Archive for the 'Humor' Category

So it turns out the Potters had adopted Harry from Voldemort.

Actually, I have no idea. My wife isn’t handing over our copy of the book until she’s done with it. But in the meantime, I thought this video was pretty funny, albeit not related to Harry Potter.

My thanks to Theresa for posting it on AAAFC.  I got quite a laugh out of it.

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New for your Guatemalan Prince or Princess!

Inspired by Sig’s recent comment about the Adoption Apparel Translator, we here at Bastardly Designs have decided to finally get over the problems which we obviously have with adoption and cash in on the international adoption craze! Do you have a special child in your life who “is from Guatemala but you cannot tell (as she is rather light skinned)?” Do you “love her country and want to adopt more from there?” Do you want to tell the world but the “Guatemalan Princess” shirt just isn’t cutting it anymore? Do you feel the need to assure the whole blogosphere that “no one would accuse [you] with (sic) sleeping with a Mexican?”

Well, we’re not sure what to tell you about the last one but for the rest, we are proud to present Bastardly Designs first iron-on transfer for your little Guatling, which we have named the “Sig Sig Sputnik” in honor of our number one fan Sig’s far out need to broadcast these facts around the world!

Drum roll, please…

Guatemala White/Dark

And if you order now, we will include a free stick for your enjoyment!

Introducing the Adoption Apparel Translator

I was adopted in what has come to be called the Baby Scoop Era, the period between the end of World War II and Roe v. Wade when girls were girls, boys were boys, sex education was lacking and little white babies were plentiful. Adoption could be–and often was–kept secret back then, though thankfully my own adoptive parents did not try to pull such a selfish and nasty stunt. However, in any case it certainly was never advertised.

So it’s odd now to see adoptive parents dressing up their adopted children in clothes that proclaim the child’s adoptee status with messages like “I grew in Mommy’s heart!” or the appalling “Mommy’s Lil’ Guatling” (seriously, wtf?). Not that they should be ashamed, of course (there’s already enough bullshit shame in adoption), but when people go out of their way to say something, there’s usually more to it than the literal message. There’s a metamessage (the message behind the message itself) or subtext of some kind.

Discourse on adoption is just loaded with metamessages and subtext, so we here at International Bastard Machines have been working on new translation technology to sniff ’em out. Today we are proud to announce the first test run of our Adoption Apparel Translator, a device that parses adoption slogans on baby clothes and teases out the subtle messages adoptive parents are really trying to send.

White people adopting from Asia have become so commonplace that the fact that the kid was adopted is probably the first guess people will make upon seeing the whole family together. Why do you suppose adoptive parents feel the need to point it out, then? Let’s fire up the Adoption Apparel Translator and see!

China Translation

Hmm! I think the AAT could be on to something, here. Googling around tells me that adoptions from China generally run between US $15,000 and $25,000 per ladybug. But is money the only factor? Let’s see…

Priceless Translation

A-ha! Insecurity over infertility still abounds! I guess adoption isn’t a solution to infertility after all. Now, everyone’s gonna know. And that might be a little hard if you haven’t come to terms with it yet…

Accident Translation

Do I even need to explain that one?

But I still feel like we’re missing something here. I think the AAT needs a little more fine tuning. Why would an affluent white couple need to put signs all over their non-white adopted child proclaiming his or her adoptee status to every person who sees them on the street? What message do they feel the need to convey so urgently? Is there some kind of social judgment they’re avoiding? Wait, the AAT is beeping at me, something’s coming through…

Guatemala Translation

Well, what do you know.

I CAN HAS GOOGLEZ?

I had a great laugh this morning that I just can’t keep to myself even if I’m being a bit self-indulgent by posting about it. WordPress keeps track of search engine terms that people use to find my blog, and I usually like to look at them when I check my blog stats because sometimes people have found my blog by searching for really weird things, like “how can I bother my sister” which is probably my favorite so far. Anyhow, when I checked my blog stats this morning I found these:

how do you know you’re a loser ibastard 2
ibastard you’re a TOTAL asshole 1
delusional idiot ibastard 1
how do you know youre a LOSER ibastard 1
loser gay stupid ibastard 1
fat dick ibastard 1
ibastard you’re an asshole 1
need medication ibastard 1
loser ibastard 1

I gotta hand it to whoever did it, that’s pretty clever! Though I think some of the longer ones must have been cut off. Oh well. I lolled anyhow.

I’d like to encourage a little more creativity in the future. I think a lot of obvious ones were missed: “ibastard is gay for fat dick”, “ibastard has a loose asshole” and “ibastard has no dick” all work, for example. Maybe I should have a little contest for the funniest “insulting” search engine hit.