Watching you without me.

I realized recently that I much prefer looking at pictures of my mom from when she was younger, from before I was born. There’s a set of pictures that I’m not sure about, that might be from afterward. I don’t know how I feel about those pictures. But the ones from later, the few that I have, I don’t like looking at them as much.

This is your life, without me. This is my life, without you.

It’s almost like, looking at her younger pictures, we could still be together somehow. I haven’t been born, we haven’t been torn apart. You haven’t gone on to have some other life and died before I could meet you. It’s as if the divergent paths become visible and taint the photograph in some way.

I’ve noticed, when I write these blog entries about my mom, how easily I alternate between second and third person. Talking to my mom and talking about her have become the same, or talking about her has become a substitute for talking to her. I’m not sure which and I don’t think it really matters.

Sometimes I think I don’t want to know anything about her life after I was relinquished. Of course that’s not really true, but sometimes I think it would be easier.

She moved on. I moved on. What else could we do?


8 Responses to “Watching you without me.”

  1. 1 Julie August 6, 2007 at 12:58 pm

    “Sometimes I think I don’t want to know anything about her life after I was relinquished. Of course that’s not really true, but sometimes I think it would be easier.”

    Yes, I think it would definitely be easier. I know just what you mean.

  2. 2 August 6, 2007 at 10:22 pm

    I like reading your posts. I can well relate to the photos thing but from the other side.

  3. 3 Gershom August 7, 2007 at 1:48 am

    (((Ibastard))) me too…

  4. 4 stewie August 7, 2007 at 2:20 am

    and me, too….the divergent paths do become visible, what an excellent way to put it. Me too.

  5. 5 Elizabeth August 7, 2007 at 2:50 am

    I completely relate to this. Sadly. Excellent post iB.

  6. 6 Amy August 7, 2007 at 2:58 am

    I want pictures too. Oh well in time maybe

  7. 7 Reunited Dan August 7, 2007 at 9:08 am

    I was speaking wth my birthmom’s sister last night and we were calculating ages from some photos. We figured that in my “first day of school” photo, my birthmom was recently married and expecting my half brother. I don’t remember if I knew I was adopted at that point (although my aparents were always up front).

    I do sometimes look at photos of her family’s milestones and wonder if she thought about me. I don’t feel like I was “missing from the picture” or anything dramatic.

    Great post.

  8. 8 Peach January 1, 2010 at 11:19 pm

    I have a hard time looking at the pictures also. (((Hugs)))

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