Adoption heresy.

I have been thinking about my mom all day. I have been looking at her pictures and thinking how she is not just my “natural” mom, she is my mom. Anyone looking at her can see that she is my mom. Every so often, no matter what I’m doing, I have to go look at the pictures again and wonder what it would have been like to have been raised by this woman who looked so much like me and, from what I have heard so far, thought a bit like me too.

And then it happened. I committed an adoptee thought crime. I had the one thought, the one desire, that an adoptee is never supposed to seriously entertain. It’s against all the rules. And I’m about to turn it into heresy by posting it here. I really, really do not want to post it, but in light of the purpose of this blog it would be dishonest for me not to, and it will really bug me if I don’t.

Before I continue, I want to make a few things clear. As an adult adoptee, I am very much aware of the fact that my adoptive parents love me and really did their best for me. I know enough about my mom’s situation to know that if she had raised me I would never have had the opportunities that I did being raised by my a-parents. I love my a-parents, my sister (their biological daughter), and the rest of my adoptive family. And I realize that if my mom had kept me, things probably would have been pretty tough, and I suspect there’s a good chance I would have been abused, not by her, but by her husband (not my father) or his family (I’m still not clear what was going on there, aside from the obvious).

I never, ever thought I would say what I am about to say. It feels like betrayal. Blasphemy. Sacrilege. Not to mention irrational. Stupid. Childish.

I wish I had not been adopted. I wish she had kept me.


8 Responses to “Adoption heresy.”

  1. 1 Coco June 14, 2007 at 3:08 pm

    I’ve been lurking on your blog for a little while now and I caught this entry. It made me cry.

    For what it’s worth, I don’t think it’s heresy and I think you have every right to feel that way, and to say so.

  2. 2 Lisa Marie June 14, 2007 at 6:08 pm

    i dont know how I found you, but im glad I did. me – adult adoptee. me- knows how powerful and deeply life changing just saying one little statement like that can be. I just want to send you some love – send you some support. You have the right to say it – it is your thought to think. and i want to say – your feeling to express WITHOUT the disclaimer about your AP’s, but I understand perfectly why we have to do these things. Whatever. I just want to give you some love and let you know you are not alone.

  3. 3 iBastard June 14, 2007 at 7:28 pm

    Thanks so much, both of you.

  4. 4 Julie June 14, 2007 at 7:46 pm

    I supposed you are married. You’re married, aren’t you?


  5. 5 iBastard June 14, 2007 at 7:55 pm

    Yep, but I’m also fat, if that makes you feel any better. 🙂

  6. 6 carolinaren June 27, 2007 at 3:22 pm

    Hey there. Thanks for stopping by my blog — and thanks for your comment on my post about feeling selfish about not wanting to adopt. I’ve read a few of your posts here and seriously get what you’re saying. This post brought tears to my eyes. Maybe the problem is that adoption has turned into this “wonderful, trendy” solution to the problem of people having unwanted babies instead of as a “last-resort” solution when a child’s parents have died and there is no family left to do the raising. I’m not saying anything against anyone who is or has adopted in other situations because I’m not in their shoes. I look at photos of all those little babies and children and would love to fill my home with them as well; all children deserve to be cherished and loved! But I just can’t shake the feeling that I’d be doing more harm than good by taking them from a life of “no stuff” to “stuff” and “much more stuff.” This is such a complex issue — everything I write raises more questions, leaving me feel like I have to keep writing forever to defend the last sentence and so on. So I’ll end here, thanking you for sharing and, again, for stopping by my blog. I now have yet another new lens through which to consider the adoption issue.

  7. 7 Valentina July 5, 2007 at 7:49 am

    Adoptee thought crime! I wonder what the sentence is, because I am also guilty as charged. I have only danced around the edges of saying what you wrote, to a trusted friend or two.

    Wait, I know the sentence. The thought immediately threw me into that “betwixt and between” place from which I’ve never been able to return.

    Reminds me a bit of the “If you could go back to any point in time and change something” game that people play, whereupon they generally conclude that they wouldn’t change what they regret because it would change too much that had happened since. Except we weren’t in control to regret.

  1. 1 Some thoughts on wishing that I hadn’t been adopted. « iBastard Trackback on June 15, 2007 at 2:54 pm

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