Weird, emotional, busy time.

It’s really hard to describe all the things I’ve been feeling since I got the call yesterday evening. I didn’t talk long enough; I’m not good on the phone. And it was so awkward. But my natural mom’s sister (natural aunt, I guess–this terminology is all so unwieldy I wonder if I should start dropping the “natural” part) was really nice, seemed like a really good person. We’re going to write each other letters. I wonder if she’s not good on the phone, either, if that’s some kind of family thing. She really seemed to want contact and I am extremely excited about this possibility.

I have this weird fear now of someone in my natural family finding this blog. I’m not sure they’ll understand why I chose the name “iBastard” and I worry that they would think it was disrespectful to my natural mom, who it turns out they all loved a great deal. Of course, adoptees generally understand why we like to embrace the word bastard, that we like to take the shame the world forces into our origins and throw it back in the faces of the judgmental gatekeepers of our personal information. So on the one hand I fear losing contact with them over something they might not understand, and on the other hand I don’t want to be a sellout.

This is definitely related to the same issues I was going to discuss in my analysis of my letter to my aunt. In particular, how incredibly fearful I am (and I suspect most adoptees are) of imposing too much on either one of my families, natural and adoptive. Even as adults it seems like any moment we might be dropped off at the baby dump. Well, this issue will have to wait a little bit longer, I’m afraid, before it is subjected to the blinding illumination of my discourse analysis kung-fu (Why, yes, I do have a postgraduate education in the humanities, how did you guess?) because I’ve just got way too much stuff going on: normal family activities, grading finals, and writing a letter to my aunt.


2 Responses to “Weird, emotional, busy time.”

  1. 1 Marilyn K. Phillips June 10, 2007 at 2:47 pm

    Dear Steve. I being a mom who’s child was adopted out understand your feelings due to the fact that my b/dad left after a divorce and I didn’t see him after I was about 3 and always wanted to know him… to me it was the same as being given up, he just didn’t contact me even with letters sent to him intermittently thru years… I had a contact of an Aunt also his sister in law that we wrote and I have lots of gult too for just not getting on a plane and going to the address I had but was a single mom with little $$ for years.. But when I finally actually talked to him when I was 58 we talked 6 times I had a ticket to visit on Nov. 9th 1999 and he took his own life on Nov. 2nd that same year… He had altzheimers at least in the stages of knowing he was forgetting everything but still wrote twice and called me once. I called him every week and reminded I’d be there plus wrote and reminded him also. Thru a 6 week period. It was horrible to not get to meet him but I guess with my daughters story ending like that and it somehow wasent a surprize that he did also. It was but it seemed like I deserved that for not following thru in earlier years… But I didn’t and neither do you. I do understand the feelings of I should of done more earlier… Please don’t beat your self up. We do all have a life and family and things like work etc. etc. etc. that we have to take care of and we have to search when it feels o.k. to do so.. it’s periodic we have guilt for doing so, social workers told the b/moms not to, we had NO RIGHT. So there is alot of stuff in our heads that stop the thoughts of searching for some period of time… eventually a time comes where we just have to know. Then we do.. Sorry to go on and on but hope you’ll cut your self some slack in the guilt department.. Marilyn

  2. 2 Valentina July 5, 2007 at 6:31 am

    iBastard is a great name. Made me laugh in recognition.

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